Humour

The Theatre Techie's Commandments

Behold, my son here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and in the days of thy play, in the hours of thy performing, thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others and you shall not make them yourself, and again, as we have been told from on old, to thine own self be true.

Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he will lose or break them.
When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon thy script for as surely as the winds blow, so shall he change his mind.
Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.
Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.
Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength.
Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.
Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall party.
Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.
Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse.
Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.
Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.
Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.
Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.
Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done - then do it the right way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.
And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be like unto an airport.

Words to the Techies

Remember always that thou art a TECHIE, born to walk the dark places of the stage, and know the secret ways of thy equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of they that watch, and to make the Stage a separate place and time.
Seek not, as do the actors, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend on you, to shape the dreams that they would show. Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist only to aid them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt party together.
My friends be not deceived by deluded actors masquerading as TECHIES. Remember always the signs by which thou shalt recognize a true TECHIE: they move softly during scene changes, not stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage and are aware of what is happening; they can speak with knowledge of Tools; they respect another's job and aid where they can; they do not just stand and watch.

Glossary of Theatrical Terms

Eternity
The time that passes between a dropped cue and the next line

Prop
A hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor 30 seconds before it is needed on stage

Director
The individual who suffers from the delusion that he or she is responsible for every moment of brilliance cited by the critic in the local review

Blocking
The art of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as not to collide with the walls, the furniture, the orchestra pit or each other. Similar to playing chess, except that the pawns want to argue with you.

Blocking Rehearsal
A rehearsal taking place early in the production schedule where actors frantically write down movements which will be nowhere in evidence by opening night

Quality Theater
Any show with which you were directly involved

Turkey
Every show with which you were not directly involved

Dress rehearsal
Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as actors attempt to maneuver among the 49 objects that the set designer added at 7:30 that evening

Tech week
The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to be done weeks before finally comes together at the last minute; reaches its grand climax on dress rehearsal night when costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director has a nervous breakdown. Also known as hell week.

Set
An obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies the laws of physics by growing smaller week by week while continuing to occupy the same amount of space

Dark Night
The night before opening when no rehearsal is scheduled so the actors and crew can go home and get some well-deserved rest, and instead spend the night staring sleeplessly at the ceiling because they're sure they needed one more rehearsal

Dark Spot
An area of the stage which the lighting designer has inexplicably forgotten to light, and which has a magnetic attraction for the first-time actor. A dark spot is never evident before opening night.

Stage Manager
Individual responsible for overseeing the crew, supervising the set changes, baby-sitting the actors and putting the director in a hammerlock to keep him from killing the actor who just decided to turn his walk-on part into a major role by doing magic tricks while he serves the tea

Lighting Director
Individual who, from the only vantage point offering a full view of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong

Stage Crew
Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50-minute stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30-second bursts of mindless panic

Bedroom Farce
Any play which requires various states of undress on stage and whose set sports a lot of doors. The lukewarm reviews, all of which feature the phrase "typical community theater fare" in the opening paragraph, are followed paradoxically by a frantic attempt to schedule more performances to accommodate the overflow crowds.

Assistant Director
Individual willing to undertake special projects that nobody else would take on a bet, such as working one-on-one with the brain-dead actor whom the rest of the cast has threatened to take out a contract on.

Set Piece
Any large piece of furniture which actors will resolutely use as a safety shield between themselves and the audience, in an apparent attempt to both anchor themselves to the floor, thereby avoiding floating off into space, and to keep the audience from seeing that they actually have legs

Strike
The time immediately following the last performance while all cast and crew members are required to stay and dismantle, or watch the two people who own Makita screw drivers dismantle, the set.

You Know You've Been In The Theatre Too Long When...

Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday.
"Q" is not just a letter.
You feel lucky when you get a two-day weekend instead of a three-day weekend
You're off when everyone else is working
You know more than one theory for the origin of the name "green room."
You say "break a leg" to friends en route to job interviews or weddings rather than "good luck."
You can only read from a light that is blue.
You consider the red part of the stoplight the "standby."
You can't remember what daylight looks like.
You feel naked without your keys attached to your belt loop, or your belt without your Maglite, Leatherman and Gerber.
95% of your wardrobe is black
You watch the footy waiting for intermission, not half-time
You tell more stories of what went wrong on shows you've done than what went smoothly
You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop
You know anything can be fixed with gaffer tape, cable ties, string, a sharpie, tie-line and a safety pin.
Your Halloween costume in some way utilizes running blacks and gaffe tape.
Varying your diet means ordering the #23 instead of the #46 or eating with your left hand instead of your right
You insist on spelling "theatre" with an "re" not an "er."
People recognize you by the sound of your keys jingling down the hallway.
Going to a restaurant means ordering and sitting down in McDonald's rather than the drive through.
"Practical" and "flat" are nouns.
Instead of saying that you're leaving, you say you're exiting
At home, you "strike" the dishes in your kitchen sink
If someone asks you what time it is, you respond with something like, "Half hour 'til half hour."

Genesis According to the Techie

IN the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was without lights or sets, and darkness was on the faces of the actors. And the Technical Director (hereinafter referred to as the TD) said, "Let there be Lights!" and the TECHIES worked and wired, and there were lights. Spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting - yea, lights of all shapes, size and hues. And the TD saw the lights, that they were well aimed and focused, gelled according to the scene, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors. And it was good. And the evening and the morning were the First Day.

AND the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although they walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and had no place to be, and the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be a Set!" and the TECHIES scrambled and worked, and there was a set, with platforms, wagons, stairs, and furniture of various types and sized, each according to the need. And the actors did walk within the set, and did have a place to be. And the TD saw the set, that it was good, and the evening and the morning were the Second Day.

AND the TD saw the actors, that although they did have a place to be, they did look like fools, for they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and struck each other with nothing. And in his heart, the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Props!": and the TECHIES worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there were props. And they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Third Day.

AND the Costumer looked upon the actors, and saw that they did go forth in blue jeans and the Costumer knew that this would not due. And the Costumer said, "Let there be Costumes!": and the TECHIES did cut and sew and shape, and there were costumes, each sized to the actor, according to the play, and keeping in with the role. And no more did the actors go forth in blue jeans, and the Costumer saw the costumes, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fourth Day.

AND the TD watched the play, and saw that the actors did wait in silence, and was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Sound!": and the TECHIES worked and taped, and there were sounds, each according to its place and cue, all at the proper levels. And the TD heard the sounds, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fifth Day.

AND lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in the first place, He would have finished sooner.